“I have something for you, You definitely deserve this Reema” he said while handing over an envelope to me. I knew what it was, I was expecting it, But still when I was holding it I was trembling with excitement, like a small child opening her birthday present. I knew I had worked hard for this and now it was reaching out to me. I took out the letter from the envelope and on reading the announcement of my promotion to a group lead , elation was all one could have seen in my eyes. I wanted to scream, shout & cry. But of course, you cant do all that in a professional face. So I just slipped out of the room, after the formal “thank-you” and “oh-u-have-achieved-this-on-ur-own”.
If only I could hug Bhupesh and tell him the news, but he was thousands of miles away, for his work. I called him up and broke the news. Happy was the scene! I called up at my home, as I wanted to share this news with Aahana, I knew she could barely understand a word I say,poor gal was only 1.5 years old, but still I just had to share it with her instantly. I asked the maid to put the receiver on her ears. All I heard was her cooing and “mamma mamma”, but I knew she understood and was singing in joy of her mother’s happiness. Next I called both set of my parents and my brother. As I came back to my desk, wishes were pouring in from my team and other colleagues, but something was missing. My elation was dying out.
I tried to stay happy the whole day,convincing myself that I should be. I took a pack of pastries home, for my little doll to relish and took her out for dinner as well. But there, still, something was missing. I think I saw no point in celebrating anything without Bhupesh being present with us. I wanted him to be there with me on this happy day.
A few days earlier I had the same feeling when the results of the 3rd semester had been declared. We both were doing MBA from SIBM,together. How could I celebrate a good score alone….
Bhupesh had been offered a position in KL, and he was going to-n-fro between KL and Pune until his work permits were done. We had talked about all of us moving to KL, only after the MBA was finished.
My lone feelings were tolerable but it was painful to see a little girl to miss her dad. She would watch Bhupesh’s pic the first thing in the morning.She would be excited on hearing his voice on phone but more disappointed & cranky when the line would go off. She would want to take him out of the laptop when I would show her the webcam chat. Little did she know that dad was miles away & missing her too. She would call out “papa” from the balcony when she would see a man crossing below.
It gradually appeared to me that I was torturing this young girl and her dad to stay apart, only because of my job. I had not thought of myself as an ambitious girl so, why was I doing this..why was I making him, her & myself go through this phase….I would think over again n again, night over nights.
I tried to work out some workarounds – getting a relocation to KL myself or an unpaid leave, but to no avail.
I, finally, resigned!
Alike, any other lifestyle change, this change also came with its own set of excitement as well as adjustments & compromises. My baby gal was keeping me busy, along with other household tasks. I was amazed by this little gal’s dramas…A part of my mind was enjoying all this change – being with my baby full time, playing with her, teaching her…..but the other half, or I should say a major part was missing my previous state. I was missing my workplace, my work, my colleagues and friends, my home in Pune…..
When Aahana began her pre-school, I thought I would go insane sitting at home..I tried shopping( which I could hardly do, out of a strange guilt of not being an earner now), learning piano, gymming….nothing helped much. I was desperately searching for a job, not getting any made my situation worse. I would remain irritated, I would have rather quick mood swings, I would sometimes take out my frustration on my family too..In short..I was going in depression. Bhupesh was understanding and at every opportunity would try to ease me out, he would talk to me to get me out of this mental situation….A year passed by!
Only until recently, I had a good talk with myself! Somehow, It made me feel really convinced/satisfied/content with my current situation. Just because I don’t have a kind of job that I used to have, I cannot kill the rest of my life. My daughter is little more grown up , Bhupesh has been promoted, I have a good friend circle, what else do I need from my life. IT ain’t the only kind of job I can do. I searched my heart out to find out exactly what kind of things I like to do. I like to write – Ok, so here I started writing. I like to read – Bookshops are open everyday…get some! I would like to try some good cooking – Internet/recipe books at your service madame. Try out new games with aahana – here you go!and I am doing all this now.
My neighbor aunty, who has been a witness to all these Ups-n-Downs in the last year, asked me today “ Are you still looking for a job” , and to my surprise I actually said” No !”